Oreos

I know that it's been a little wee while since my last post, and by that I mean probably over a month ago - which is pretty bad, even for me - so I guess I'd better get my A into G and type some shit stuff out for you guys to read.

Today, whilst at work, I was carrying a bottle of conditioner and the lid came off - this is like a 1L bottle, its friggen HUGE - and it fell to the floor and bounced twice before it finally tipped over onto the carpet.
On each bounce, a massive splash of conditioner flew out and covered as much as it could. . .
Thankfully, none of it landed on me, because if it had I'd have looked like a low class hooker. It was gooey white stuff. Not solid white either, it was half transparent which is even worse!
It got on two boxes, 7 packets of socks (thankfully, they were wrapped in plastic), the leg of some jean and the carpet.... ALOT went on the carpet.
That was my FML of the day, cause it took ages to wash off my hands after cleaning up - you know when you get something on your hands and it feels like slime? it was like that.
Like picking up eels, it was like a layer of eel slime. Has anyone done that?

Eels are really weird to pick up.
OH YEAH. That reminds me of my dream last night! (not the eels, it was the spermy conditioner that reminded me).
I had a penis! In my dream last night I had a HUGE penis!!!! I wasn't a boy, I was me... but with a penis.... and it was normal, like nothing seemed out of the ordinary - nobody commented on it, even though I was naked. Just what?
Like, what was I thinking when I fell asleep that made me imagine myself in a world where me having my massive penis out in public is okay??

I've decided on my reason for not writing out many posts recently. I was too busy having too much spare time. I never have much to say when I have alot of time on my hands.
Also I've eaten like 10 boxes of oreos in the past 2 weeks. They are amazing!
Im making up for lost time, since I never had them when I was a little kid. They are a recently discovered delicacy in my life. . .

nightmare - cutting people in half

Okay, so this morning I awoke in amazement. It seems that the level of disgust that my nightmares give me has risen again. I honestly didn't think my brain was this twisted to even come up with this stuff - let alone come up with it in detail and play it like a movie inside my head.
Like, seriously? Am I harboring a psycho killer in my mind, or what??

Last night I dreamt (I can't believe I'm telling you);

I can't remember all the details... You know how dreams skip bits.
Well, there was a murderer in the building (idk what building it was, I think it was supposed to be my house? but it was massive, with lots of hidden doorways that people can jump at you from).
He was roaming around, preying on young women (which there seemed to be an abundance of in my house). He attacks with a syringe filled with some seriously powerful pain med - considering what he does, it must be RIDICULOUSLY strong -  He would drag them off to his chosen room of torture, and then suddenly they would be ripped in half.
I wish I could say he just wanted a collection of ripped in half bodies, but no... he didn't...
I don't know what he did with the bottom half, because thats never seen again.... but he then proceeds to HAVE SEX WITH the mangled top half. Like. It would be like him having sex with mince that has shoulders and a face.

And get this, the women are STILL ALIVE when he does this.

Yup. I think this one even tops the one with the clown that dragged primary school kids into the attic to eat them.

I am disgusting.

Dream time

Last night, I had a DREAM.
Thats right folks! A dream! Not a nightmare!
It was just as messed up as my nightmares, but it wasn't BAD. It was good. Almost.. plain.
My recollection may be missing details because as the day goes on, I tend to forget bits,

Well. I was at my friends house ... John*.
John was getting something from his bedroom, and I was looking at the extremely ridiculous amount of thermal tops in his room. Hundreds of them. Hung up, folded up, thrown over things, on the floor... All were white and short sleeved. When I asked him about it, he said he never wears any of them.
I blame work for this one, they were even the same brand and style as the ones at work.

Anyway, suddenly I wasn't there anymore. I was at my front door step, facing out towards the driveway.
I lived in an estate; all the houses were huge, pretty and expensive.
I was looking towards the house across the street, like I really needed to be there. So I walked towards the house, and up the drive, to the front door - but it wasn't a front door, it was like the wall was just not there. There was mosquito netting covering the whole wall, and I could see into the lounge.
In the lounge was about 5 people, who all looked almost exactly the same - barely any differentiation between male and female. All were staring at me.
One of the girls (I think) nodded towards a guy on the couch, who got up and walked over to the netting. It was john! He somehow materialized next to me, outside the netting.
He was like "what can I do for you?"
And I was like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be here. I was just going to my letter box and... kept walking".
So he started showing me around his garden (no, that wasn't a metaphor. This is a PG dream guys).
During the grand garden tour, we started walking up this huge hill - which would be out of place in any other normal garden, but an estate garden shows no limits. It can be as big as it wants.
At the top of the hill was a base ball field. Sure.

I suggested he come to my house, so I can give him a tour too.
So down the hill and across the road we go. I don't actually remember what my house looked like, inside or out. But the garden at MY house was AWESOME.
It had a huuuuuge deck, and big outdoor table and chairs, with my whole family and all my friends - muffin and ba were both there - who were having a BBQ for breakfast (yup, it was breakfast time). They were cooking sausages. Then a bunch of my friends and I went along the bush walk, that followed a river, that was in my massive forest of a garden. And I was pointing out to them how the eels in the river were all rainbow coloured ... And they were. They also had like... hair styles... that flowed out behind them in the current.

I don't remember much more. Just that I smiled alot, and so did the people I was with.
All in all, it was a really good dream for me. I hope that doesn't mean that tonight will be 5 times as bad than usual to make up for it.

Nightmares - nuclear

I have written about my nightmares before - and as of late, I have been considering making part of this blog be devoted to just that. The crazy adventures of my sub-conscious.

A recent one, starred my best friend. Some know her as 'Ba'
She and I were shopping and we saw a whole van of TV presenters pull up in the car park outside.
Whats this? A chance at fame? A chance to show off our stunning beauty?
We we're game. We hung around, watching the goings-on...
The announcer was saying "and the nuclear explosion grounds for this TV show will be set in none other than our very own STILL WATER! Yes, thats right folks! That tiny piddly little suburban area that nobody ever seems to go to will be NUKED!"
As the crowd cheered, Ba and I stared at each other in horror - Tib lives in still water. Did the announcers bother to tell the inhabitants of piddlyville that they and they're beloved homes were to be burnt to dust?
We had to warn them!

So we ran to the nearest speedy looking car (a red convertible, naturally), leaped over the doors (the roof was open, naturally), turned it on (the keys were inside, naturally) and sped off towards our destination (the tank was full, naturally.
At some point, the road we were driving on had turned into a river, and we were on East Coast Road. We were drag racing a car full of drunken teenage idiots - for lols.
Suddenly, our friendly river dwelling killer whale bursts through the surface and plays smash-the-convertible-boat-into-the-riverbank, his favourite game, naturally. We played along for a little while, but he wasn't giving up, he wanted a full on game with all the rules. We didn't have time for this, radiation was about to be set loose!

I sacrificed myself, "Ba, just go. GO! Run and tell them, warn them of the impending danger! I'll deal with Mr Monochrome here, and you warn them!"
She threw herself out of the car, ran across the river and onto the riverbank (somehow), and all the drunken teens went with her. She ran towards the houses that seemed impossibly far away, she was never going to make it. WHAM. Killer whales weigh a similar amount and as a huge truck. My stolen borrowed sports car wasn't going to survive this ordeal. In case you haven't heard, they may be pretty cars but aren't the best when it comes to durability. Perhaps I should have taken a tank from the car park - I'm sure they were there, it was my dream, after all.

I watched her running towards the danger zone, as that horrible siren sounded.
You know what, Tibs alarm clock is that siren.
I open my eyes, and its time to get up. FXCK OFF.

I think that the internet is being childish.

The last post, was, once again, BRILLIANT. So the internet went and swallowed it up. NO MERCY, HUH INTERNET????
TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But, for the time being,  I will go over some brief point that were so rudely interrupted from the last post. I am sick, once again. That is what the past title is referring too - I said something about making a world record because I write on here every time I get sick.... Idk, it was said much better before.
I then proceeded to talk about how whenever I get sick I have crazy nightmares - I may of mentioned that my nightmares-whilst-sick theory was that my nose is blocked and my subconscious mind thinks I can't breathe properly, so I panic it my dream and imagine all these crazy situations.

I THEN wrote down all the nightmares I had last night! Which I am NOT going to do again because it took me friggen forever. I spoke about how every time I woke up (which was like a billion times, fragmented sleep is my style... apparently....) my glass of water was empty and I had to get up and fill it up AGAIN. I think I drank like 5 glasses of water last night in the times that I woke up. Which meant that I also got woken up to go pee.... Not very clever of me, I'll admit.


NOW IF THIS DOESN'T SAVE I WILL DESTROY CYBERSPACE ... some how.

It was only appropriate that I wrote now.

shots shots shots shots shots shots

I have had this song from clubbing last night stuck in my head all day.
With everything I do, like eating lunch and paying the bus driver, I can hear it in the back of my head. Its like really inappropriate background music! Im talking to the bus driver like "two stages please" and its like SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS in the background. Its like Im about to burst out dancing with the driver, and the whole bus load of people will turn the bus into a club.

But yeah, I went to town last night, and am still covered in half sweated-off stamps. Its a really sexy look.


It was really fun last night, I really enjoyed seeing everybody and just the atmosphere! it was A Mazing. Had a weird dream when I got home though, it was a whole group of my friends all chucked in a store like K-Mart. And there was this kinda TV show presenter who was like;
Okay, now the aim of the game is to survive! GO!

And then he released a whole gang of sexual predators and velociraptors and murderers. So really, the dream was entirely based around escaping from being eaten raped and killed (or, potentially... all of the above, in the case of sexual predator...).
I was trying to hide behind a fridge (in the kitchen appliances department) when a creepy old man grabbed my leg and tried dragging me away with him.

It was... a weird one. Not really scary but just... weird.

My terrifying night-terror experience.

So, this morning, I was trying to just rest a bit because I've had a really tiring week. I said to myself "alright, I'll just rest for 5 minutes and not think about anything". SO you know, at first I lay down to enjoy my rest and I just repeated the word 'rest' in my head. But as soon as I fully relax my brain does its own thing and the dreams start.

So the first dream began as I saw two little girls jump off the harbor bridge, so Tib and I dove in afterwards to save them... As we were helping them we found a little boat just in time to escape a shark attack.

We then ran into a building to escape but it was filled with zombies and creepy animal people. So I woke after that.

And set an alarm for myself in 5 minutes, you know, to prevent further nightmarish non restful dreams. Yet, in that 5 minutes I dreamt that I woke up, got up and started making breakfast.

Then my alarm went off.

So I set another alarm for 5 minutes. The same dream, except I was talking to my sister this time not making breakfast.

My alarm went off.

SO I set it for 10 minutes, and I focused on resting and relaxing. I fell asleep and got sleep paralysis. God it was horrible. I'll do my best to explain it, but unless you've had it yourself you wouldn't realize how terrifying it is.

I dreamt that I woke up, but I couldn't move. Also my eyes were fuzzy around the edges. I dreamt that I no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't lift my head form the pillow and I couldn't move. The dream feels incredibly real.

Sleep paralysis is when you literally cannot wake up. And I could feel my legs and arms thrashing around but in my dream I wasn't moving.

After what felt like ages I woke up, and looked at the clock....

It had only been 6 minutes....

Frustration

I know its unlikely, but do any of you get to that point when your lying in bed, and you look at the clock. Then your like "Crap, its 12 and I need to get up in 7 hours!". Then your too stressed about not being asleep for you to actually fall asleep.

Im like that. The average human is recommended to have 8 hours of sleep a night, and whenever Im getting less than that and I know I have something to do the next day, I fret about it.
Sleep can be scary enough without the extra worry of not getting enough of it. Summer makes sleep worse though, all that heat... its like a breeding ground for nightmares. My brain in summer, is like 10,000 drunk teenagers in a hotel together - surrounded by porn films on projector screens and having lube sachets shoved into their hands.
There might as well be a popular celebrity there too, like Katy Perry, encouraging sex. "Come on guys! Just do it! Everyone else is" - peer pressure is always effective.

Yup, my bad dreams are absolutely flourishing in this weather, the heat muddles my brain up and makes it all so much worse!
Just the other night, I dreamt about being in a deserted and dark house, with a strange little girl and there was stripy beige cats everywhere. Then weird things started happening like figures being in my peripheral vision and things moving by themselves, hand prints appearing on glass... all that creepy nonsense, you know. And what could I do?
Nothing.
Just sit there and take it.

But hey, theres always the upside to dreaming. Atleast you get away from the real nightmares of life for a few short hours.

Nightmares. Whats new?

My GOD I am so tired. I am ALWAYS tired, but not to this extent!
Argh. I know why Im so tired. Its because I had a stupid zombie dream last night. They were running zombies, and they enjoyed flesh as much as I enjoy lasagna. Luckily, it was like any 'good' zombie movie (if such a thing exists), and I seemed to have an unlimited supply of guns and ammo.

As per usual in my zombie dreams, there was crap loads of blood and guts flying all over the place - although, there was alot of blood-splatters-on-walls in this one, which hasn't occurred before. I doubt my dream book will have an explanation for what THAT means.

Wonder what I'll dream about tonight.

My most recent bad dream

Okay well I've mentioned my nightmares on here a few times in previous posts.
I thought! hey! might as well write out this one!
I woke up this morning in much the same state as i ddi yesterday.Dribbley and sore.

Okay so from what I can remember the dream started in this town... although it wasn't an ordinary town. It was kind of animated. And you could buy thing there - Things that you would use on your "farm" - This dream was GREATLY influenced by Farmville, believe it or not.
Well So i was walking around in this town looking for the man who sells fertilizer. There was a cats everywhere and behind me there was all these people farms. I would see people I know walking past me. Anyway, this section of the town didn't have the fertilizer man so I pushed on a little arrow the the right hand side of my.. my dream field? and then the town changed to the next part lol. In the new part the first thing you see it this little purple squid that sitting on the ground. It had googly eyes, and it was almost flat. But yeah, okay so I found the fertilizer man who was actually my friend Muffins boyfriend.. I think the reason he was fertilizer man is because he's like level 54 on Farmville or something ridiculous like that.
Anyway, So EVERYONE wanted fertilizer. It was like loud and everyone was bargaining and then Muffins bf just disappeared. And everyone in the shop was like "what?"
We found the fertilizer. And I went back to my farm, but on the way there I met my friends. And they were like "yeah were going to our first aid course!" so we all walked to my farm... where their first aid course was held in my crops...
But okay, so I went inside my farm house. When I was in there my cousins were in various places around the house.
And there was this very angry bald man - no dad, not you - who was running around the house muttering about how he had to kill everyone. And he did. He killed off this woman who was in the bathroom, he stabbed her a few times. Then he was going for my cousins, right... and I ran away lol. I knew at this point that it was a dream and that I wouldnt be able to spot the murderous man wether I wanted to or not!
So I ran away, and then SURPRISE SURPRISE!!! I could fly! But not just, take off the ground and your flying. Its the same kind of flying I always get in my dreams, You have to push of the ground really hard and hold your arms out to keep you steady... and if your going down then you have to like, flap your arms.. like a bird.
Okay, while I ran away I wasn't even at a farm anymore, I was actually running from my nana's house, and down her street.. trying to dodge all the REALLY intense amounts of power lines.
Okay, so I was coming down and I landed in this tree - ouch right?
But once I pulled myself together and realised I was in fact in a tree, I realised that there was like, 10 other people in the tree. Just complete random's that were all my age! Anyways, so we were sitting in this tree having a wonderful time.
When surprise surprise again, the angry bald man was wandering down the street towards the tree when he spots us. He starts running !
Just as I dive out of the tree he dives into it and begins his slaughter again. As I'm trying to run away I realise that my flying power doesn't work as well and I can't seem to get away anymore. But I manage to get to this clearing in a forest? and there was all m friends from school there? and they could all jump fly like I could? and there was heaps of angry bald men who we were all running away from?
And best off all.. the angry bald men had pet lions and tigers...

So we all proceeded to run away from each other. And it turned into a fun game.
I woke up.

Little town called Morrinsville.

OKAY! Im on my bus home from Morrinsville now. 

This has been very fun... Just what I needed to be honest. An escape from Earth to a little town called Morrinsville: where all men seem to be truck drivers and majority of women are snotty little bitches who spend their spare time talking behind their backs. 

Everyone drinks at the pub every night, and has MASSIVE meat filled dinners - with plenty of ice cream for desert. However, there are draw backs to my little slice of heaven... Majority of people smoke all the time, which is DISGUSTING! Being in the car with Debbie while she smokes almost makes me want to tip a bucket of water over her head and wave my hands around franticly screaming "YOUR ON FIRE! YOUR ON FIRE!!!"

Seeing as things which are on fire send off smoke.

-And anyone with half a brain would know that being on fire has GOT to be bad for you.

Now Im not sure if this has something to do with being at Debbie's or not; But my nightmares have become a little bit different - more memorable, more strange somehow. 

For example! Murder has stared in a lot of my nightmares. Lol like I dreamt that I was invisible, and I could fly!! then everyone decided that I wasn't allowed, so they all tried to kill me. Also, I was in a house with all my friends from school right - and also my old friends Lauren and Rachel (who I haven't seen in YEARS) - and then they all started killing each other off! I mean COME ON. Wtf.

Haha, there's a man sitting across the isle from me, and I'm not entirely sure but I think he might be looking at me every so often. You know, kind of wondering what I'm writing - perhaps even imagining that maybe I'm writing a story and casting him as the sexy, oiled up, body building hero that runs around all day having sex and saving women from fires.

He's wearing a leather jacket and has a briefcase - which isn't leather. Perhaps he's a police man who's a little rough around the edges? He's quite tan... Almost orange. Maybe he's really into his appearance; I mean, he does have quite nice looking hair! And his face looks handsome-ish from the side. 

OMG! leather jacket... oiled up... tan.... HES THE TERMINATOR!!!!!

He even has a matching facial expression!!

Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha just noticed! He has a mole behind his right ear! There's nothing intensely funny about having an ear mole, its just that I've spent all this time studying him and I only JUST noticed it! Im going to name it Jordan. Jordan the Mole. I think it works quite well... Classy almost.

The names Mole...

Jordan Mole.

Oooooooh it has a ring to it doesn't it?

Hey... Its kinda weird that I've spent all this time writing about some random guy on a bus. 

Well I guess this makes it official. Im weird and I like it ... I think

NOTE: Approximately 10 minutes after I finished writing this, the man moved seats. Lol oops.

Orange Jar